Wow, I guess it has been a little while since the last blog, my apologies. I’ll try to be a bit better at keeping my viewing public (thanks to my wife Mindy for at least reading!!) up to date.

For those that don’t know me, they may be surprised to know that I actually do have a competitive side, a little monster deep down inside that really does want to “crush the competition”…. For those that already know me, they are surely laughing at that notion, as I am what in simple terms is called a WHINER! …
Let me explain..
On the surface (generally surrounding the lead up to races) I tend to jabber on about all the things that are going wrong or could go wrong, whine whine whine… I know I am doing it and I am desperately trying to stop doing it, however I have come to realize it is my protection mechanism for any potential failures.
Don’t get me wrong, I really DO want to be there, and I DO want to race. In fact i think the more important the race, the more i whine (ask Syd). I think it is merely my fears and doubts coming to the surface. I show up to every race prepared, eager to test myself and improve upon previous performances; however the little voice inside of me sometimes is not sending positive messages and it manifests itself into whining.
I am eternally optomistic when it comes to others and their potential to have a stellar race, however I am definatley at times pesimistic when it comes to myself. Funny thing is, as soon as the gun goes off…the little competitive monster comes out and I am off on a mission. It is a weird mindset that surrounds my racing experiences but is one that has beedn around for 14 years of racing for me.
I am a competitor and I am driven to showcase the hard work that i’ve put into the preparation for the event; I just need to continually work on conquering my somewhat negative self talk just prior to the start of the raace.
As I preach to everyone..”Just go out and give it your best shot, believe in your training and believe in yourself”….”no matter what happens it is just a race and it does not define your life”… I truly believe every word of that and truly believe in myself, however even experienced athletes need to occasionally remind themselves that it is just a race…go out and do your best. Don’t stress the what if’s, be confident and when the gun goes off, let that little competitive monster take hold until you cross the finish line, win or lose. Then, tuck that little monsteer away and get one with life. Triathlon is a great sport, I just need to stop wasting my time on worrying so much about the “what if’s”, as I could miss the wonderful twists and turns the “what if’s” provide to my overall experience from this sport.

That being said, I wanted to update you on the beginning of the tri season and a few other things going on.
Syd and I decided that this year, Big Al would get a makeover and we would focus on the sprint distance tri’s in order to help place ourselves favourably within the Triathlon Canada Paratriathlon rankings. To do this we contacted the TriCan Paratri program head and their coach and asked what steps we needed to take in order to ensure we were on their radar leading up to 2016 Paralympic Games in Rio.
First stop was ITU San Diego sprint race on May 12th. Heading into this we really wanted to focus on putting together a solid race that would show TriCan that even though Syd and I are Ironman athletes, we are capable of racing hard at the sprint distance.
San Diego was a fun race with a 750m swim in a lagoon (although it was weedy and a bit murky), a 26km bike on rough roads with the most epic climb we’ve ever done on that tandem, and a 5k-ish run along the beach.
Swim–We were in the first wave and knew we needed to go out hard right from the gun. I swam following Syd and the tether line and simply put my head down hammered w/ all i had. I felt like i was redlining the whole way, and it paid off! I set a new PB of 10:59 which could have been quicker if not for the dolphin diving required at the end.
Bike–Off onto the bike, we felt good and were moving along nicely until the most epic climb we’ve done on the tandem…4km of climbing with an average of 11% grade, in cycling terms that means OUCH!! About half way up, we were out of gears and I was worried, it was a super tough slog. After what seemed like forever, we crested the top and not a moment too soon, as my calf muscle had proceeded to ball up into a knot (and later found out Syd had same issue)…. Flying down the decent was awesome, i just tuck in, hold on, get as aero as i can and try to move with the bike. With some nice hard cornering we snaked our way through the course and were on the homestretch when BOOOOOM!, a massive bump in the road swallowed the back tire and made a god awful noise..I thought for sure the wheel had disintigrated. I instantly heard a loud piece of debris skidding across the road–Syd’s Speedfil A2 bottle what launched out and is now somebodies very expensive souvenier. Thanks to the awesome folks at Speedfil, we already have the replacement. The wheel survived and bike held up and we proceeded back into T2.
Run–The ride was not one that took everything out of us, although we were gased, as you are still going flat out. Hitting the run course, my eyes were not adjusting very well and I was feeling a bit dizzy/unbalanced…this makes guiding for Syd tough, until i get my bearings. I almost bit it as i stepped off the road into a sand dune, but caught myself and kept chuggin. The 5k course ended up being a bit long, but is was nice and flat and if there were no crowds would have been very fast. Getting us both through the crowded route is a tricky task for Syd but he managed handily. He even had the energy to catch me (literally) as i took a turn too wide adn stepped on a pylon—I was totally gone, but he one-arm strong armed the tether and totally held me up from a face plant….it was impressive!!
The race all and all was solid but fairly uneventful… We crossed in 58th spot out of 587 people, 3rd PC athlete and a great sesson opener.
Most of all I think we showed TriCan that we were very capable of putting together a respectable Sprint time despite the fact we had Ironman slowtwitch legs on us.

OTTAWA 10K—
While we continue to train in prep for Edmonton in early July which is our National Championships, I had the opportunity to race the Ottawa 10k with some friends and 18 other VI athletes. I also met a new guide John Kopf who guided safely and swiftly through the course in 42;04, only :45 off my PB.
The cool thing about this race last Saturday was that it contained 10,748 runners!! By far the biggest event i’ve been part of. John and I started about 100m back from the start line and thus avoided a majority of the crowd. The run along the canal in Ottawa was quite nice on a late spring evening…the crowds eased at about 3km and we found open road. I wanted to hold around 4:05 ish pace as long as I could but due to some stomach issues and a medocre training regiment on the run of late, we were only able to average a 4:13. However, I still felt strong and pushed hard right until the line. It felt good to run flat out and push 100% all the way to the tape.
I managed to finish 203 of 10748 people, 2nd VI athlete, top 5% of all male runners and gain some solid KM’s of hard running.

Tomorrow I will be heading off with Dan to race in the TINMAN TRIATHLON at the Wallaceburg high school. This 400yd/16k/3km tri is held annually for the past 18 years and allows elementary and high school students from the area to get out and enjoy a wonderful grassroots triathlon race. i am looking forward to it and the opportunity to showcase Paratriathlon—showing the kids that despite your challenges, you just need to assess the situation, adapt the best you can and move forward!!

I’ll try to post some pics of the bike, and any other race related photos soon.

Tomorrows mission is to silence that outer WHINER and let the little competitive monster have his fun:)

Well, lets start with the new moves. As you all probably know Mindy and I haver left Owen Sound (first week of March) as her contract ran out and I am still out of work. However the interesting aspect of this, is that she has moved up to Petawawa, which is 2 hours west of Ottawa. She is living on the army base there…no i didn’t scare her away into joining the military—she has accepted a 90 day contract to be the collections manager at their on base museum. Her first couple weeks have gone well, and despite missing her awesome hubby (haha)…she has gotten along well.
I moved back…..back home….to the room i grew up in….in my parents house. Yup, 32 years old and back to square one…i am refusing to get comfortable as I know this is a temporary home until either Mindy’s job goes fulltime or I find a fulltime job elsewhere. My mother is super happy I am here, and I am appreciative of her allowing me to stay.
I’ve had a job interview recently and am currently waiting to hear about it….as well I’ve been involved in some volunteer work with All Abilities Welcome out of Ottawa, ParaSport Ontario, Ontario Blind Sports Assoc. and Lambton Kent school board. All of which revolving around my ParaSport consulting passion, educating the world on the abilities of persons with physical challenges.
Now onto the 30k…
Back in january Syd and I thought “hey wouldn’t it be super to go do the Around the Bay 30k!!?” I had never done the race before and he’d done it a few times. So, i signed up and with our ambitious goal of 2:15, began training.
For both of us the training was going fairly well, but then Syd ran into some injury snags. I was busy with moving and “life” but had managed some pretty good training. As Sunday approached, Syd’s leg injury was still iffy, but we he decided to gut it out and I was ok with our revamped goal of 2:30-as my recent training had been suffering too.
Race day was beautiful and joining 7444 of our closest friends we set off on an overcast 10 degree C. day.
End results:
1414 of 7444 people
2:35:50 time.

The race itself? Well without getting drawn out, it was a very average day for both of us. We were on goal pace or just behind it slightly at the 20km mark. We were both suffering groin strains, very odd i know, but the only thing i cna think of is the constant weaving in and out of runners. We started further back in the field perhaps then we shoul;d’ve and paid the price. Poor Syd has never worked so hard in guiding, i felt so bad for him. In a running race, if you see an opening, you can generally seamlessly zig zag through it…however Syd had to zig zag two 6 foot tall skinny guys through these holes….a tough task. He not only had to make sure we could both fit through the holes, but make sure coming out the other side, we had enough space. It was a very tricky task for him. I tried to use my vision to anticipate and help, but when you run into people of differing paces, it is challenging.
The first 10k were super tight and it really only opened up a tiny bit. At 20k a lady cut in front of me at an aid station and i didn’t see her in my field of vision….thud, down she went in a nice superman(woman) flying faceplant. Luckily it was at an aid station at a slower speed and I think she got away rather unscaved. Of course we apologized but Syd assured me it wasn’t my fault…. You can never assume the blind guy sees you jumping in front of him!!!
I felt terrible as i kicked a few peoples feet that day and there was some bumping, however everyone was super polite and understood what we were trying to do as a tethered pair. As well we got lots of support and everyone actually understood that I was blind and that was great!
After the 20k mark we both started to tire, but after the big hill at 26km, poor Syd’s leg just said no more, we cruised in at a slower pace then desired, but we still made it. Syd leanred that in a running race I am like a horse running for the barn…every KM marker from 10km on in, if i saw it, i’d start to surge and he’d have to pull me back a bit as his leg just was not cooperating. He’d apologize for slowing me down, but truth be told i had a little bit more in the tank then him, but not much.
I could not have run a single meter of that race without him…so running it a bit slower then our goal was ok..as it was 30k more then i could’ve ever done solo. Finding a guide that could run that fast AND push/pull me through traffic, that would have been a tough task for anyone and I appreciate his effort. It did feel good to actually have more energy at the end of the race then him (for once)…and he was actually super nice to acknowledge it. I can only imagine the extra energy he put out, getting me through that race, so I need not get too excited at the fact.
We learned some stuff that race, mainly to start nearer the front. We gained an appreciation of road racing’s challenges and we got a great workout in.
It takes a lot of energy, skill and patience to guide somebody through that chaos and Syd did it, never once complaining…even after i’d elbowed him about a thousand times.
So that was our ATB adventure…i’d do the race again but i’m not sure i could convince him!! We’ll see.
What’s next? Stay tuned, it’s something new and different for Syd and I, but something that we are super pumped about!!!

Sorry all for the delay in the posts (for those that actually read my blog)….It’s been a busy time for my wife and I.  We have been working hard job hunting and although I have not been successful as of yet, she has.  She will be moving up to Petawawa for 4 months and I will be heading back to Chatham….and continuing to look for work.  However we keep looking for those jobs that will help us finally settle down in one place for a long time.  Job hunting for me has been tough to say the least but I have been on the mission to re-invent myself and to help become a great advocate and consultant in Para-athletics.

This leads to my adventure this past weekend.  I was recently asked by the Executive Director of OBSA (Ontario Blind Sports Assoc.) to travel with him to Sudbury to deliver a talk to families of blind/VI children.

Needless to say, I jumped on the opportunity and was quite excited.  I had never met Kyle (Pelly) before and was eager to make that connection.

For those that do not know, OBSA is an organization that helps fund currently six parasports (athletics, judo, powerlifting, swimming, goalball & wrestling), however they are very open to promoting any other sports that help blind/VI persons.  Their goal, which matches greatly with my own, is to help everyone become active and lead a healthy lifestyle.  While they are focused on developing high level para-athletes, they still believe in the proper and effective long term development of the athlete and their skills.  My personal experience with OBSA has been brief, as in 2011 they helped me obtain Ontario Carding status for “athletics” (running) which allowed me to receive a grant under the “Quest for Gold” program fun by the Ministry of Sport.  I once again in 2012 have received this grant, thanks to OBSA’s belief that my running ability is worth investing in and developing.

This past weekend myself and Mindy traveled down to Toronto where bright and early Sunday morning Kyle and I were to fly out to Sudbury.  To make a very long story short, he and I ended up with some flight “issues” which led to a six hour sitdown in Pearson Airport.

Stressful?–slightly

Frustrating? -definately

Boring? -Not at all….  As I mentioned, I had never met Kyle in person and had only spoken to him on the phone a couple times.  Using this six hour flight delay to get to know Kyle better and to have him get to know me, it was great!

Kyle is newer to the E.D. position in OBSA and is a bit younger then some would expect, however his vision and passion for what he is doing was infectious.  I very much enjoyed listening to Kyle talk about the mission of the OBSA, the direction they are taking, the goals he has and his overall outlook on the blind/VI community and sport.  One of our conversations during the day led to LTAD (Long term athletic development), a very important part of athletic development but also development of an active and healthy person.  Some may find the topic a bit drab when you dive into it, however Kyle and I found that we both greatly enjoyed the topic and it’s intricate aspects.  It was so great to have a technical discussion with somebody who had as much passion and interest in the topic as me.  Kyle, although sighted, definately has a great respect and growing knowledge of the blind/VI population.  He is keen, he is passionate and he is definatley somebody I hope to work with a lot in the near future.

For me I think the best part of the day was letting Kyle get to know me.  For those that know me, they are aware that i am a firm believer that “your name is all that you have”.  This is something my father taught me and is something I strive to protect.  If you ruin your name or your reputation, it may never be repaired.  When people hear my name, I want them to think of integrity, honesty, passion, stubborness and a generally empathetic and thoughtful person.  It was a great pleasure to be able to engage in lengthy conversations on many topics such as my upbringing, my journey as a blind guy, my thoughts and theories on life and sport, as well as my goals for the future–both in an employment sense and an athletic sense.

I am confident that the six hour flight delay was a blessing in disguise as it allowed us to sit down and really chat.  I am a passionate advocate about inclusion and respect of all persons, regardless of ability and disability.  I feel that passion and enthusiasm shone through and I learned lots more about a wonderful organization (OBSA) run by a very dedicated Executive (Kyle Pelly).

Having somebody who is willing to try something new, take a look at things from a different angle and gather feedback from those around them, is surely destined for a great future.  Great stuff Kyle.

To learn more about the OBSA, or if you know of anybody who could benefit from their service, check out their website www.blindsports.on.ca

Sometimes a seemingly frustrating situation can turn into an opportunity….you just never know!  Thanks for a fun six hours Kyle.

When I examine the image below, I am reminded of many small things.  The main concept, idea, thought however is one of perspective.  I like many others in the triathlon world can tend to drift away from “reality”, from what is important, from what is the journey all about.

Sure we all want to be fit, fast and healthy.  We all wish to improve our times, better ourselves as an athlete and “prove what we are made of”.  This however can be a slippery slope, one in which you find yourself at the bottom of the mountain of normalcy and are looking up.  You are thinking: “Holy cow! what the heck am I doing!!?  I’ve really lost touch with reality and what is important.  Sure triathlon is fun and challenging, but is it really worth losing sight of family and friends and the important things?”

I think we are in need of a PERSPECTIVE PICTURE….often times we have quotes to motivate us and drive us blindly forward in the pursuit of excellence.  How many of us though have a picture, an image, that grounds us, brings us back to the WHY in the “Why are we doing this?”

The picture below is my favorite perspective picture for a number of reasons.  Sure I have many many other images or videos that inspire me or even ground me a bit, but nothing does this like the image I am sharing today.

THE LAST RACE….

This picture was taken in March 2006 at the Ironman 70.3 Oceanside California.  It is taken on the first lap of the OUT part of the out & back 21.1km run course.  As you can see, this is a picture of me and the man with the cane, standing by my side is my father.  At this point I believe he was 55 years old and had recently been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), 100% fatal disease.  He was in the early stages and at this point his left leg had stopped functioning, thereby leading to the use of the cane.  So that is the overlying gist of the image.

The reason I title this the Last Race image is because this would be the last triathlon or race of any kind my father would ever be able to watch me compete in.  His condition would get continually worse and in Oct.2007 the disease would take his life.  My father was (and mother is) a great cheerleader and fan of mine.  He didn’t understand the “why” in triathlon, and frankly I dont’ think he really cared to understand or figure it out, as he simply knew it was something that couldn’t be explained; his son just loved to go out and swim, bike and run for a really long ways.  He understood that as a blind/visually impaired athlete, that I was searching for something, something that I felt pride in and confidence in.  He understood it brought me joy, self confidence, a sense of belonging and was a great outlet for my stubborness (a trait he gave to me).  When I mentioned that myself and my wife (fiance at that time) were headed to San Diego where my aunt/uncle lived, dad and mom were happy to come along.  Simply getting through the airport and the long journey with early ALS was a struggle for him, but I think he realized as well that this could be more then just a vacation.  It would be a final opportunity to go out west, perhaps a final opportunity to see me race.  So off we went.

For many years I simply saw this as the Last Race image and used it as a perspective of how lucky I am to be alive and how thankful I am for my father and mother being so supportive.  However recently I got thinking about the picture and realized a few other interesting notes.  I am now thinking of this as the “2 year” image or the “transitions” image.  Let me explain:

Transitions Image-  At this point in 2006 myself and my family were going through a variety of transitions.  1) We were learning about ALS and the horror that was yet to unfold, 2)I was newly engaged and learning about the new life that I was entering into, 3)My father was coming to grips that he was surely going to die, and fairly soon, and finally 4) I had just started to come to terms that perhaps my racing days solo were coming to an end as little bits of my vision started failing me.  What you didn’t see in that picture is the scrapes I had from hitting a pylon near the end of the ride because I didn’t see it  and just barely caught the edge, sending me to the ground.  That fall and each one after were the wake up calls the led to where I am now.  So, I see this picture as a moment in time captured to let me remember how life was, how life was about to change (some good, some bad) and how lucky I am today.

2 Year Image-  Along the same lines as the transitions theme, I look at this as the start of a 2 year decent for both myself and my father.  Obviously the decent for my father was much greater then mine.  The next appx. 2 years from that point in my life and the life of my family were not the brightest and happiest of recent memory.  Besides the obvious fact that 3 months after this picture was taken, I was married to my lovely wife and the joy we had with friends and family on our wedding day; not a ton in that two year period was shining.  For my father he was beginning on a roughly 2 year decent into the hell and misery that is ALS.  This disease is absolutely brutal and strips a person down to something you wouldn’t wish upon your animals.  With stubbornness, grace and as much humility as possible, my father slowly lost function in his entire body until that autumn evening in 2007, he finally let go.  It sounds funny, but to the relief of our family, he was gone.  I say to this day the most inspiring thing I’ve ever seen is his 2 year fight with that disease.  He had guts, far more then any Ironman would/could ever reveal for me.  I will take that demonstration of determination with me whereever i go!

For me that image marked the final 2 year journey of my solo triathlon career.  As stated I had crashed on that course minutes earlier, then when I got home roughly a week later I crashed again…..I was seeing (or not seeing i guess) a pattern.  I knew time was limited but desperately wanted to get in as many Ironmans as I could before I had to hang up the solo bike.  From that day of the image, I went on to finish 3.88 more Ironmans between Mar.06 to Oct.08.  The .88 came from my failed attempt and utter destruction at Ironman Hawaii.  Leading up to that race I had a few more incidents where I manged to end up on the ground with my bike by my side.  i knew that what I wasn’t seeing would somebody kill me, thus far I’ve been lucky but I didn’t want my luck to run out.  So I vowed-and kept true to the promise-that Kona would be the last time I would ever ride a bike solo again.  I rode my Cervelo to the slowest, most torturous ride of my life….only fitting I guess that my last ride be the longest ride of my life.  Then 10 miles into the run my fairytale ending was squashed with me facing my first DNF ever.  Not the way I had planned to go out, but nonetheless it too was the end of my two year journey (ok, slightly over 2 year) journey.

So I look at this picture, I remember and recollect the good and the bad, and I am thankful for both.  You see, I am still alive, racing as a Paratriathlote, I’ve made many new friends and I’ve made a new best friend….some big tall ugly guy named Syd. (just kidding bud).  I remember that when I feel frustrated or unhappy with a race, a training ride, or the lack of a training ride; I really have it good.  I remember that thanks to my father support and the determination he passed along (even if it is only a fraction of what he had), is why I am here today, writing this blog and heading out for a swim…..because I can…….because I am lucky.

Life is short, don’t find yourself at the bottom of the mountain looking up, wondering why you never payed attention to the things that matter.  Triathlon is a gift, yet keep it in perspective that it is not life or death.

Find your perspective picture, find that image that keeps you moving forward with the right purpose in mind.

Cheers!

In the past few weeks, the good folks at  www.athletesfirst.ca  have been posting weekly blog discussions on Para-Athletes and their potrayal, treatment, role, responsibilities and aspirations within sport.

Many of thse topics are wonderfully written point of views by various Canadian Para-athletes and on topics that have no clear cut answers.

Topics on the potrayal of WHAT IS INSPIRATIONAL? , HOW SHOULD DISABLED ATHLETES BE TREATED IN SPORT?, QUALIFICATION STANDARDS FOR DISABLED ATHLETES….

In the next few weeks I will be submitting a topic (that has been highly debated) to the blog, so stay tuned for that.  In the meantime however, go over to :

www.athletesfirst.ca

….and join in the debate.  Also please feel free to pass this information along to anybody you think may enjoy the conversation.

PROUDLY OFFERING PARASPORT CONSULTING SERVICES TO CANADIANS LOOKING TO MAKE EVERY PLAYING FIELD AN EQUAL ONE !!

New for 2012, Moving Forward-Life & Sport, owned and operated by yours truly is proud to re-launch it’s new services to all Canadians.  Formeraly a Learn to Run and Personal Training business, MFL&S has re-lauched in hopes of offering all Canadians services that I believe will help inspire, motivate, educate and activate them in the years to come.

1) PARASPORT CONSULTING– With the inclusion of Triathlon into 2016 Paralympic Games, races and race directors will be seeking advice and answers in making their events as accessible as possible.  Triathlon is a fast growing sport and having the sport added to the Paralympic Games, proves that Paratriathletes are recognized as elite, high performance athletes who wish to race with the best, on the best courses in the country.  If you are a race director and want the right answers, I can be your trusted  resource, plain and simple.  My experience, education, passion and drive to get the right answers will greatly benefit you.  You may have already been getting questions from athletes inquiring about registration, course setup, site specific accomodations; I have many of the answers and the ones I don’t already have, I have the resources already in place to find ths right answers for you.  Let me do the work for you—it’s my pleasure.

2) INSPIRATIONAL SPEAKING–  MFL&S is a business driven to share a message of positive thinking, hard work, perspective, dedication and a bit of humour while overcoming challenges, to all those that may benefit from such a talk.  Schools, businesses, community groups, sporting groups, can all benefit from listening to the journey I have taken and the lessons I have learned along the way.  “Whatever life brings you, you simply must keep moving forward, in both life and in sport”.

3) TRIATHLON/RUNNING COACHING AND MENTORING–  Drawing on 14 years of experience, a Kinesiology degree, coaching experience and my passion to mentor those who set out to achieve big goals (much like I did) is what drives the coaching and mentoring services.  Life can be complicated and full of confusing theories on sports and training.  I am a very big believer that keeping it simple, especially for beginners, can prove to be the path to success.  All the technology in the world cannot help somebody who is not motivated and confident in themselves.  Let me  teach you to become the athlete you’ve always wanted to be.

Check out the MOVING FORWARD-LIFE & SPORT tab in the menu bar for more information regarding the services offered.  If you have any questions or wish to obtain some of my services, don’t hesiste to call or email.

We are all capable of great things, sometimes we just need to take that first big step-leap of faith-and hope that our hard work pays off in the future.

Officially launching out into this new world of ParaSport Consulting/Speaking/Coaching is a leap of faith for me; one driven purely for opportunity to share my  knowledge to give others the same wonderful life experiences I’ve enjoyed.

No matter what, just keep moving forward.

I really  look forward to hearing from you!!

As I sat and pedaled away on my Lemond Revolution trainer this afternoon I got to thinking about why i was NOT having any fun.  Okay, so the obvious answer is “well you are sitting on a trainer, riding a bike, going nowhere, so suck it up!”

Over the past 14 years of triathlon, I have spent many hours “going nowhere on the trainer” but in the past 3 years it has become increasingly difficult to do this with any regularity and intensity.  Or at least the same amount that would produce positive and effective training results.  This revelation is not only demoralizing (as you feel like a big sissy), but it is also a bit concerning.

“Why can’t i just suck it up?”, “Do I not have the same drive as before?”,  “Am I losing interest in triathlon?”, “oh god, if  I lose interest in triathlon, now what!?”,  “Why am I losing interest in the sport that has meant so much to me for so long?”….and so on.

You can see how potentially this thought spiral can be a bit scary and a bit worrisome.  However I do find that I can reassure myself that I still love the sport, I love the idea of making your body do something crazy hard, just for the fun of it and I love that it serves as a platform for showcasing abilities rather than disabilities.  I just can’t seem to push myself in the off season or on the treadmill or trainer; like I used to.

Granted, I’ve achieved a lot of the gaols I initially set out to, when I first started racing:  I completed a triathlon, a 1/2 Ironman, a full Ironman, I went faster, further, etc.  So do I not have goals anymore?  No, I have lots of goals still.  Well then what has changed?

What has changed, came on a late afternoon, in October 2008 in Kona Hawaii.  I got off my Cervelo, handed it off to a volunteer and was immediatley handing over a piece of my freedom, my independence, my FUN.  NOTE:  This is not and will not be a sob story from hear on out, so keep readin please!!  You see, by handing over that bike (like I knew I would be doing), I agreed that I no longer saw well enough to race solo, and it certainly wasn’t going to get any better.  Therefore I made the responsible decision to end my solo triathlon career and become officially a Paratriathlete.  Sure I could have probably squeaked out a few more rides, but when to say when is the question.  I decided to go out on the Big Island and true to my word have never ridden a solo bike again.

It is hard to explain to people that YES I am visually impaired, and NO I wasn’t being unsafe in Kona, I was just being proactive and “body aware” in the sense that I knew the vision was getting worse and would soon be at a dangerous point.  Sure enough by spring 2009, it was at a point where solo riding would have been a bit sketchy.

So what is the point?  The point is that despite buying a tandem, finding Syd (a triathlon guide and ultimately a great friend), triathlon had lost something to me.  It lost SOME of it’s fun–not all, but some.  At first it was not as evident becasue learning to ride a tandem, swim and run tethered, race tethered, were all new and exciting and fun.  After a year or so of that, it is still fun, still exciting, actually more exciting then my entire solo career….but it has lost a bit of it’s fun.

Let me explain… when I race as a Paratriathlete I think I am actually having MORE fun then when I raced solo.  For one thing, I dont’ have to constantly worry about why I’m NOT seeing.  Nothing is scarier then wondering what you are not seeing.  Am I not seeing a hole? (yup that had/has happened often), Am I not seeing a person? (that has only happened maybe once), Am I not seeing a curb, debris, pylon, stick, car, trailer, pole, rope, chain, fence, tree, mailbox? (well, yup, that has happened more time then I can count).  So racing as a Paratriathlete with a sighted guide, and training with guides actually makes this stress a lot less, therefore racing more fun.

Notice I did not say it makes “training” more fun.  Training as a Paratriathlete with a sighted guide makes training safer, but it has occured to me it doesn’t “necessarily” make it more fun.  NOTE TO ALL MY GUIDES!!  I LOVE YOU ALL AND YOU ARE ALL SUPER FUN PEOPLE, THIS IS NOT A SLIGHT AT YOU, PLEASE READ ON TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS!! THANKS:)

You see, when you raced solo, I had the scary aspects during races, when there was unfamiliar places and lots of people, however when I trained solo, I was usually in familiar spots with fewere people and it felt fun–training and triathlon felt fun!!  Sitting on a stationary trainer was just a misery that “we all had to put up with” because soon enough I could go out and ride just like all the rest.  When you become “unsafe” to be out by yourself and you rely on the stationary training apparatus like the trainer or treadmill, you can’t mentally trick yourself out of the boredom by saying “ahh, suck it up, you’ll be outside in a day or two, and everyone else is doing it too.”   This trick doesn’t really work anymore, becasue you know you won’t be outside like everyone else, riding or running at the drop of the hat.  You must rely on your wonderful guides to come rescue you for your stationary chains (which they all do so wonderfully at–thanks very much), but if for some reason they cannot rescue you, or your schedules don’t match or you just can’t make it work–you don’t have any alternative…you are stuck “going nowhere”.

It is a bit tough te explain because able-bodied athletes still have to suck it up on occasion and sit inside spinning away, but they always have that mental trick that says they can break the chains and get out almost anytime they want.  Becasue they have this mental “option”, they can keep training FUN.

As a visually impaired athlete, training can become WORK!!  You sit, bored to death, frustrated and unmotivated to push hard becasue you feel cheated.  When you have no guides to help you (i’ve pretty much been there), the torture is terrible, not to mention that it leaves your selfless guides feeling guilty for saying “no i can’t help you today”.  This is somethign you never want to happen; you never want to make those that help you feel guilty, as I now have a solid roster of wonderful guides to help me along the way.  Sometimes though you can’t make it work and you are stuck.

So as I sat spinning away, I realized that my motivation comes from the fact that I find my “work” factor overwhelming my “enjoyment” factor because my mind is left with few to no mental escape options.  It is “sit here, spin away, sit here spin away…”  and eventually the mind says “forget this, this is not fun and if this is all the options you are giving me?  forget it!!”

As I sit spinning away, I am also filled with appreciation.  I have been at a point in my life where there were almost NO mental escape options, no people to even call to ask for an escape; I at least have a list of some willing participants to help me escape to the world of fun once again.

To thse wonderful, helpful souls, I say thank you!!  When your training feels more like a prison sentence and you feel the fun slipping away, it is tough to find reasons to keep going.  Getting out to train and having somebody understand that it isn’t just a “yay look at me, I’m outside” kinda play date; that it is actually my training day, something that I require as an athlete to improve, well I thank you.  I would also like that tell you that it is never ok for you to feel guilty for not being able to come and rescue me because it is not your job/responsibility to take on that burden, you are being selfless and helpful as much as you can and in now way do I begrudge you for saying “no, not today”.

There is actually not a lot that I miss about my solo racing days and I truly try to avoid being envious about others who can just “get up, get out and go for a run” on a whim; however if I had to pick something that I miss the most, it would have to be the fun of having that mental escape so readily available to bail me out of a funk when I’m not feeling motivated.  I am very much enjoying my new career as a Paratriathlete, I just need to find more ways to find those mental escapes, realize I am not chained to the stationary apparatus forever (maybe just a bit longer/more often then most) and have fun in training again.

It is comforting to come to that conclusion however, as facing questions of “do I enjoy triathlon anymore” –when I clearly do–is a bit unsettling.

Assess the situation, adapt to it the best you know how, then just keep moving forward!

Sometimes I just need to take my own advice!

To all those that read this all the way through, thanks!!  Don’t stress those statrionary chains you have this winter, use those mental escapes to keep you motivated and maybe think of trapped in my tower, sweating away while you are out running!!  I may not mind a knock on the door to see if I can come out for some fresh air!

Triathlon is a wonderful sport, a wonderful lifestyle and has wonderful people in it—just sometimes you get tired of feeling like the blind hamster!!

Keep chuggin’ everyone!!!:)